For three days, we were receiving good reports on my sister Toni’s health and her battle with COVID-19.  We were feeling optimistic. She had turned a corner for the better.  All reports indicated her health was stable. So you can imagine our shock when we got a call the day before yesterday saying that the outlook for Toni is bleak.

My apologies,  I haven’t been able to write about this before now. I haven’t had the energy to update anyone.

The doctors went so far as to suggest taking Toni off life support at the two-week mark of her being on the ventilator. The two week mark is Monday, November 30. They suggest giving her morphine to keep her comfortable and “decrease her hunger for air” (doctor’s words).

Nora fielded the call and then informed us. Later we had a conference call with the lung specialist. I already had a feeling about the downturn because I had called Toni the previous night.  When I saw Toni on the hospital iPad, she was clearly struggling with her breath. Her face looked strained.

Just to be clear, we are not giving up on Toni. She is fighting for her life. She has a whole team backing her up: family, relatives, friends and more friends, healers, prayers from Catholic priests and Hindu priests, reverends, deacons, ministers, rabbis, imams, Buddhist monks, Christians of every denomination, Aboriginal healers, Quantum physical energy healer, reiki practitioners, and meditators from many traditions. Love is pouring in..

We asked for more time on the ventilator, to see if Toni’s lungs can show some improvement.

The world needs Toni. The world needs her goodness, her purity of heart, her joy, her smile. We need Toni to teach us that life is meant to be lived simply.

My friend Daphne reminded me of the following:

Toni fields our love.

Toni is filled with love.

Love surrounds Toni’s aura.

One of my best friends told me she hasn’t prayed in over thirty years, but that she has been praying nonstop for Toni.  I have also been praying nonstop for Toni to beat COVID-19. I haven’t prayed in nine and a half years, not since I lost my sister Jeanie due to complications from Multiple Sclerosis.  Perhaps the prodigal daughters’ prayers are the loudest?

Today Toni is struggling more than ever. She is in a lot of pain as she is being weaned off the sedatives. In addition to her ventilator tube and feeding tube, Toni has a chest tube inserted into her side ribs and lung and feels pain every time she takes a breath (sometimes she breathes over the intubation). She is growing weaker and has air pockets under her skin from the lung collapse, which also causes great pain. The air pockets won’t go away until she is off the ventilator …and in order to get off the ventilator, she has to come off the sedation because under sedation, she can’t breathe on her own. But when she starts coming off sedation, the pain is great. Her lungs are inflamed with COVID-19 pneumonia. When the doctors lower the sedation, she struggles with her breath. It becomes rapid breathing and she goes into respiratory distress. It’s a series of Catch-22s. Her COVID-19 pneumonia is severe. According to Toni’s lung specialist, for two weeks there has been no improvement from the point of view of pneumonia.

I think of Toni and all the people in the world affected by this wretched virus and I feel overwhelmed, a collective grief gnawing at my heart.

Toni survived meningitis as a child at 18 months of age (that’s when she suffered severe brain damage). And 10 years ago she survived the worst type of breast cancer, Triple Negative Breast Cancer.  Is there one more fight in her, the fight against COVID-19?

Please, dear readers, don’t judge or mock me when I tell you that I found myself making promises in exchange for keeping Toni alive. Yes, I actually caught myself wheelin’ and dealin’ with the Lord. I came up with a good simple formula: I make a promise, make good on it, and the goods are delivered.  Today I made the realization that my promises have nothing to do with wheelin’ and dealin’. Instead, I am making promises simply to honor Toni because, you see, Toni brings out the best in people and I want to follow her example!

In honor of and influenced by Toni, I am going to incorporate two actions into my life: just like Toni, I’m not going to speak poorly of anyone. In addition, once a month, I am going to start bringing home-cooked meals or special baked goods to the homeless in the park across the street from our condo. For a while now, I have complained bitterly about the tents, encampments, and trash around the tents in the park. But now my attitude about my homeless neighbors is forever changed as I emulate Toni’s goodness.
Toni’s goodness is inspiring and infectious. When I texted Zina and Nora my plans to do the above actions on Toni’s behalf, they immediately texted me back with the following:
I will make a promise, too, Fran.  I will serve special needs adults with free haircuts once a month as long as I’m able to work. 🙏🏼 -Zina
I promise to continue to volunteer and teach yoga at St Agnes (Toni’s Adult Day Care Center) once a week, post-Covid for as long as I’m able. -Nora
And Rick talked about the changes he will make on behalf of and inspired by Toni:
What I am taking from Toni and why I need Toni is to bring more innocence into my work. Like Toni, I will bring more unconscious naturalness into my writing. Toni is free. She has no constraints of self-judgment.  She draws freely and everyone applauds her.  Coloring with her and drawing with her is so much fun. Who cares if you go over the lines? It’s just pure fun!  She does serious art and underlying it is always her fun spirit. Thank you Toni. -Rick

Toni’s fabulous artwork

We are offering our good deeds to Toni.
Next time I talk to Toni on the hospital iPad, i will let her know my plans, all the goodness being done in her honor, and tell her how she has made me become a better person.  In my next conversation with Toni, I will let her know that I am here for her, that I am bearing witness to her, that I acknowledge her presence. I will softly encourage her to do what she feels she needs to do. (Thank you, Daphne, for your guidance, wisdom, and insight).

Toni with brothers-in-law John and Rick. Toni is one of the few people who liked Rick’s Santa-like Beard!